Thursday, September 29, 2005


A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." *** One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." *** It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." ***

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?" *** One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!' " *** A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." *** A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" *** A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Story Time

there was a boy who had a cat named Brownie. Brownie is a happy cat. They live on a pumpkin farm. There are lots of other cats to play with. But Brownie likes to play with the boy. One day, the boy went to play with his people friends. He took his very big dancing pad with him. He put it in the trunk of the car and went back in his house for a game to play with his very big dance pad. He went back outside and slammed the trunk shut. Then he drove away. He had traveled through the woods only a little ways, when he heard a noise. "What could that be?" he wondered. He drove back through the woods to his house. He opened the trunk of the car. Brownie was on his dance pad. But Brownie was not dancing. Brownie was not happy. Brownie leapt out of the trunk onto the boy and held on tightly. The boy came inside his house and made his mommy laugh. He was wearing a cat. His mommy is still laughing, and had to tell all of her friends.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Hewwo fwiends,

Sowwy fo not whiting. Hab had bad toofache, had to hab it pulled. Oww. ((Pulling myself together enough to speak properly for a moment.}} I am too sore and drugged up to relate the experience so I am posting a story I wrote a back in October 2002, the last time I had a tooth pulled, as this experience was nearly identical. Enjoy. - - - - - The tooth pain has been increasing for several days. Unfortunately, we only have one car right now, and I had already told Daughter that I would drive Husband in to work, so I would have the car to pick her up after school. I was to take her to a friend's Halloween costume party that evening. As soon as the office opened, I called the dentist to see if I could get an emergency appointment. They said they could work me in, but 11:30 was the only time. Husband usually leaves between 1 and 1:30 to drive to work, so I knew that would be cutting it close, but I didn't care - my jaw was swollen up like a peach. Examination, x-rays, explanation of abscess and required removal, then they started shooting in the novocaine. Shoot....wait...poke with sharp dental tool while asking, "Can you feel this?" I mutter "yeth." Shoot it again...repeat. Repeat FIVE times! Dentist says that due to the infection the novocaine is less effective, because it becomes diluted in the fluid (I won't say "pus" that's just so gross LOL). At last all pokey tool jabs result in no feeling, and he begins. Gets out a pair of pliers that could pull the Titanic out of the iceberg. Yanks firmly with one hand. Nothing happens. Yanks firmly with two hands. I think eventually he had his foot on the chair and a pulley hooked up to a truck outside, and with a mighty yank, pulled it out. Except for the root. Ah yes, I have deep roots, apparently attached to my pelvis. It broke off. Sounded like a large tree snapping in a hurricane. I heard an audible moan from the dentist and assistant. I had visions of Husband growing a long white beard waiting in the parking lot, and Daughter I knew we were gonna be here a while. It required (close your eyes if you are squeamish) something more akin to oral surgery than a simple extraction, as now the dentist had to dig and slice his way down to the broken off nub, then cut himself a wide enough swath to grab it for removal. This, of course, required even more novocaine. The taste of blood filled my head, and the assistant was franticly trying to use the little sucker-straw fast enough to keep up. At last, the nub was removed; he applied enough gauze to cover the entire state (a la Cristo, the fabric-draping artist), and sent me on my merry way. It was nearly 2PM. We drove to his office, and about halfway there, the novocaine began to spread throughout my face. I was the bo-tox poster child, no wrinkles at all. Unfortunately, I couldn't blink my left eye. It was open, and I could see, except for the watering, but I could NOT blink. It was the damndest thing. What a sight I was! Five pounds of gauze, now quite red and oozing, stuffed in my mouth, but also partially hanging out the left side, since I'd lost all control and couldn't close my lips, unblinking left eye, tongue hanging out to the right, displaced by the massive gauze pack. By the time we reached Husband's office, he was a little late, but one look at me and I could tell he was torn between empathy and uncontrollable laughter, so he (wisely) said nothing, and left me to drive the 55 miles back to Daughter's school. Drove at warp speed. Between the drugs, the watery eye, the pain and the rate of motion, looking out the windshield was akin to the scene in Star Wars where all the stars turn into little streaks of light. Picked Daughter up, who shuddered at the sight of me. Drove her to the store to get a new pair of tights, since her pre-party try-on of the costume had ripped the original pair we purchased, and to fill the prescriptions from the dentist. Even the hardened eyes of the pharmacy clerks widened at the sight of us. . . Daughter, having changed into her costume (sans tights) and me - a mess. The elderly crowd, waiting for their flu shots, parted like the Red Sea at the sight of the swollen, oozing, unblinking creature (accompanied by a butterfly fairy wearing three-foot sequined wings), before them. (I suspect some of them reconsidered what medications THEY were on LOL) Unable to speak, I had to hold out my driver's license and the dentist's card and motion to them what my intent was. Fortunately they didn't think it was a hold-up, and rapidly filled my prescription. I started the antibiotics, but held off taking any Vicaden since it warns against driving, and by the time I had to go pick up Husband, all of the wondrous novocaine was worn off. I could blink again, but it was painful to do so. I begged him to get us home to my awaiting drug stupor, mostly using sign language and grunts. At last we arrived, and I started taking the pain medication, which I have taken regularly ever since. God bless the inventor of Vicaden.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

For Whom the Cell Tolls

Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone... Boy, ain't that the truth. Middle Son and I have been sharing my cell phone for some time now, with the understanding that if he ever damaged or destroyed it while it was in his custody, he would be responsible for replacing it. Of course he willingly agreed to this because he is a teenager and considers himself and everything in his possession to be indestructible - LOL Such is not the case. Last week, while said phone was in said son's trusteeship, (gawd bless Thesaurus LOL) he had a lil' boo-boo. At some point in his adventures, he and said phone did meet heretofore unmentioned hard surface (possibly floor, driveway or bowling alley lane, (said son's memory is weak on this particular detail), shattering said phone into said broken mess. A replacement as per said agreement was then in order. More was said, but is unprintable LOL "Replacement" sounds so simple. I snort huffily at "simple". "Simple" implies going to a nearby retail outlet, handing over the broken phone, and getting a new one handed to oneself with a cheery smile. At least we eventually got the cheery smile. {{Waves to most-magnificent "L", the superior customer service representative who handled our incredibly complex procedure.}} My first recourse had been to contact Eldest Son, the purveyor of fine electronic products at reasonable prices, who had handled our initial purchase and contract for cellular service. Sadly, he is unable to offer assistance, as merger of Husband's telecommunications company (and employer) with another telecommunications company, has throw all of the old rules up in the air like so much confetti.

Representatives at telecom company expressed their regret and sympathy that Eldest Son was no longer able handle such procedures, they must be transacted at the mothership...errr...World Headquarters, which is approximately the same distance from our home as Brazil.

So for several days, until jaunt could be arranged. I was cell-less.

I hadn't realized my addiction to it, until it wasn't there.

I missed it. I longed for it. I held its broken parts in my hands and cursed Fate (and in very bad-mommy fashion, the perpetrator).

At last we sallied forth and traveled to the holy land (World Headquarters). We explained the situation, with said boy and his soon-to-be-depleted savings in tow.

The procedure was complex. Husband's phone would become my phone, he and son would get new phones. My old number would activate to husband's old phone, husband's old number would activate to his new phone, and son would get new phone and number. Old/broken phone contacts would be transferred, switched and given liposuction in an extreme makeover that would bedevil the gods.

Throughout it all, most-magnificent "L" was cheerful and efficient. She managed the confusing maze of changes, upgrades, rebates, transfers and purchases with such aplomb as to make mortal men weep. She smiled encouragingly, and gently accepted the payment from the trembling fingers of Middle Son, who loves the feel of cash in his hands only slightly less than life itself.

He is recovering nicely though, as the joy of having his own phone to have and to hold (and to text message his friends) increases, shoving the painful memory of the cash transaction into a dimly-lit memory spot, much the way mothers do with childbirth.

And I have a phonie all my ownie now too.

Ah, the simple pleasures.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

We Remember

Anyone who wishes may use this image with my blessing.

Update Monday morning 7 AM Spent Saturday helping friend get stuff ready to send to hurricane-ravaged areas, am exhausted LOL You can see what we did, on her website at:

Friday, September 09, 2005


I searched the internet for non-political hurricane humor. There is a LOT of political humor, but I prefer to stay out of that arena at this blog. Not much out there yet from Katrina, these were mostly about previous hurricanes which struck Florida. I believe the statement made by Tony Deyal, in the first section expresses the need for humor beautifully. Light in the darkness By Tony Deyal If you turn tragedy into comedy, laugh at things that should bring tears, then you regain control, if only temporarily. It is a brief flash of light into a soul-searing darkness. It brings temporary relief without changing the nature of the beast and the fear of the unknown that the darkness represents.

A Jamaican I met in Miami the day after Ivan passed through Jamaica, while deeply concerned about his country and his relatives there, questioned, "Why are hurricanes named after men?" When I responded that it is because most men are a bunch of windbags full of hot air, he replied, "Because they're noisy, make a huge mess, and if you look into their eyes there's nothing there." Then he asked me why they named hurricanes like Frances after women. I didn't know, so he told me, "Because they arrive wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and car." It is not that they are trying to trivialize the event so much as put it into perspective, to place it in a context that they could deal with it and come to terms with the pain and loss. *********** Hurricane Humor My car gets 23.21675 miles per gallon, EXACTLY (you can ask the people in line who helped me push it). There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people thought. A 7 lb bag of ice will chill six 12-oz Budweiser's to a drinkable temperature in 11 minutes, and still keep a 14 pound turkey frozen for 8 more hours. Flood plane drawings on some mortgage documents were seriously wrong. Crickets can increase their volume to overcome the sound of 14 generators. When required, a Lincoln Continental will float; it doesn't steer well, but it floats just the same. Some things do keep the mailman from his appointed rounds. Your waterfront property can quickly become someone else's fishing hole. I learned what happens when you make fun of another state's blackout. Drywall is a compound word, take away the "dry" part and it's worthless. I can walk a lot farther than I thought. *********** The Holding Cell By "Tender" Head Administrator Global user With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy. You may be a hurricane survivor if. . .

You have more than 20 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer. You find yourself dropping words like "millibar" and "convection" into everyday conversation. You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot. Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight. You catch a 5-pound catfish. In your driveway. You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy. You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the Weather Channel. Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof. Ice is a valid topic of conversation. Relocating to North Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Update on Noah's Wish Efforts

UPDATE FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 9, We are having amazing progress with our fundraising efforts! Thank you all who have helped! Sorry for not blogging, been too busy, but will return very soon! Got this note from the reporter who interviewed my friend: Thanks for bringing this to our attention. We've gotten tremendous response on the animal issue. It's very sad, they're just helpless animals. Best, Tess ******************************** I got my friend a TV interview! It aired yesterday evening, in the greater Kansas City metropolitan area (which has close to a million viewers!) She did great! The latest word from the volunteers: (SLIDELL, LA) September 5, 2005 - Noah's Wish, a not-for-profit organization that works exclusively to rescue and shelter animals in disasters has rescued over 400 animals from evacuated homes in Slidell, Louisiana. The pets are being housed at a temporary animal shelter and Noah's Wish is working with Slidell Animal Control to save hundreds more abandoned and stranded pets in the city of Slidell. In addition to the 400 pets rescued by Noah's Wish, seven other animal shelters in the state of Louisiana are also working around the clock to save as many animals as possible. Over 1,500 animals are being housed in shelters throughout the state. Some of these animals are strays, while others were rescued from homes. Many evacuees from New Orleans fled with their companion animals but were unable to bring them into disaster relief shelters. Those animals are being provided temporary shelter in Louisiana animal shelters. The Slidell Animal Control building sustained extensive damage during Hurricane Katrina. Noah's Wish staff and volunteers on the ground do not have phone, cell phone or web access at this time and are unable to communicate outside the Slidell area. This temporary shelter will have the ability to house hundreds of animals. Trained Noah's Wish volunteers, veterinarians, and veterinary technicians are providing medical services, care and much-needed love and affection to these traumatized animals. Pet owners may pick up food and supplies from Noah's Wish volunteers in Heritage Park. Donations of pet food, blankets, dog kennels etc. may be left at Heritage Park.


Friday, September 02, 2005

Ode to High Prices

To Lighten the Mood

It's up again, the price of gas No recourse seen, must pay, alas The nice cashier, it's not her fault Many blame her, she fears assault
She only earns minimum wage And sighs when faced with such outrage So please don't blame the kindly clerk Don't yell at her and go berserk
It's frustrating, I do concede It feels like a vile case of greed So where does all the money go? If you find out, please let me know!

Blogging For Hurricane Katrina Aid

Digital Doorway is blogging for Noah's Wish, whose sole purpose is to assist and rescue animals during disasters. There is additional information and an easy-to-access donation button at: 2ndChanceBooks If you are blogging to promote any charity, there is a list compiled at: Truth Laid Bear - Blogging for Charity Thank you! {{And somewhere a wet little puppy says thank you, only it sounds like "arf arf!" LOL}} ************************************************* UPDATE FROM THE RESCUE WORKERS 9/3/05

I want to thank you for the part you are playing to ensure that the animals were not the forgotten victims during Hurricane Katrina. Your financial support will help in so many different ways and you should be proud of what you have helped make possible.

I wish you could be with us to see the joy and relief on the faces of the people whose animals needed our help, and be the recipient of some of the juicy kisses we receive from the dogs and hear the contented purring on the cats that we cuddle in our arms.

It is a constant reminder why we keep doing what we do.

Thank you!

_________________________ Technorati Tags: flood aid, Hurricane Katrina, Noah's Wish

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Dear Animal Lovers

Hello to all of my wonderful readers, As we have seen over the past few days, the devastation to the Gulf Coast region is overwhelming. The Red Cross and other charitable organizations are sending in aid and supplies to assist the people of the region. My best friend is a wonderful woman who lives in the Kansas City metropolitan area, and works with animal rescue groups. She is working with a large non-profit organization, whose sole purpose is to assist and rescue animals during disasters. It has been incredible to see the outpouring of help for the people in the Gulf. We would like to ask for a small portion of your generosity to help rescue the animals that are suffering from this tragedy. These beloved pets have been lost and are hungry, injured, and terrified. We know how those of you with pets feel about your animal friends......please think of the conditions these poor creatures in wake of the hurricane are suffering with now. The organization is called Noah's Wish. Their sole purpose is rescuing animals during disasters. PLEASE, visit their website, see their information, and offer a small donation of money or supplies. To other bloggers, I would ask that you copy the banner code and place on your blog. Your help is deeply appreciated by the helpless creatures that cannot ask for themselves. They thank you. ************************************** PLEASE PLACE THIS BANNER ON YOUR BLOG You can use this code Change the parentheses to brackets like < > (a href="") (img src="" /) (/a) **************

Update: August 31, 2005 - 9:00 p.m. Louisiana Time

The Noah's Wish team reached Slidell, Louisiana today. We have met with emergency management and animal control. Tomorrow we will begin to provide assistance for animals in this devastated area. Almost everyone we talked with this afternoon had a story to tell of an animal. Unfortunately, many of the stories were of animals that were left behind when people had to evacuate. People are getting desperate to find their animals. Areas of Slidell are still underwater this evening and the devastation is widespread. There is no electricity, gasoline, or phone service (landlines and cell). In order to post this update I had to travel almost two hours back to Baton Rouge where I could get internet access. Even here cell phone usage is impossible. We truly feel cut off. I will be driving back to Hammond tonight where our team is staying at the home of one of our Volunteers. Tomorrow evening I will return to Baton Rouge with a much more detailed update and photographs. Report Submitted By: Terri Crisp - Noah's Wish Director



For those of you who would prefer a text link to add to your blog or website, please use this code. Change the parentheses to brackets like < >

(a href="")Noah's Wish Animal Disaster Rescue(/a)

************************************ UPDATE FROM THE RESCUE WORKERS 9/2/05

We are operating in Slidell, Louisiana. Additional teams are being dispatched. Further sites of operation are anticipated. Communications are poor at best.

I am handling logistical and supply operations from the St. Louis, Missouri area. From this location we have the intact communications and transportation infrastructure to receive supplies. We can then dispatch the supplies and equipment as they are needed to the area with our volunteers transporting them down Interstate 55 as the volunteers are deployed in the area.

I thank you for your support and generosity in helping us help the animals.

Best Wishes, Roger D. Smith Regional Coordinator Noah's Wish

------------------------- Technorati Tags: flood aid, Hurricane Katrina, Noah's Wish