Thursday, January 27, 2005

Rhyme Time Hillbilly

My mother-in-law (who is an absolute angel) gave me a ton of jigsaw puzzles that she had worked, and asked me to sell them at online auction. She said, "Now I GUARANTEE that all of the pieces are here for these, and that they are in fine shape. I promise, 'cause I am a good Christian woman and I don't swear". Then she giggled like only an adorable grandmother can giggle. recently launched an auction section, and they are so much nicer and cheaper than E-Bay, that I have been listing most of my items there. (Their commercials are for, "The Big O") I have been listing items there for a couple of months (since they opened). They randomly select items to feature on their home page, and I was STUNNED to see one of my jigsaw puzzles highlighted there today! Of the hundreds of thousands of listings, mine, which includes a little song parody about my darling mother-in-law having so many jigsaw puzzles (to the Beverly Hillbillies theme, "The Ballad of Jed Clampett"), was selected! The Ballad of Puz Rampant Come and listen to my story of my dear mother-in-law, A sweet puzzler, she has lots of them, jigsaw, And then one day, she was puttin' one away, But the closet was so full, that the box just wouldn't stay! Hmmmm, she said, "Gotta go! Selling spree!" Well the first thing you know, she told me of her issue, And she said, "Help! What is there to do?" I said, "Don't you worry, our solution's Overstock, We will put them up for sale, at their online auction block!" Great, they are, All the pieces! Guar-O-tee! Well now it's time for you to come and gaze at what we've got, You won't be disappointed when you look at what you've bought. They're all a pretty picture, and the pieces are all there, We promise - 'cause she's so sweet that she doesn't ever swear! Ornaments too. Pretty ones. Hallmark Keepsake. Y'all come back now, y'hear? The-rhymin'-and-dime-in'-her-way-to-auction-success Marti

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

The Pigness of it All

I am honored that my friend Pam from the Carnivale message board has chosen to name her new Guinea Pig after me (I go by Cyberpumpkin there). {{For the uninformed, Carnivale is a TV show on HBO. Wonderfully quirky}} So I am a Gawdmother to a lil' bundle o' joy. She wrote, "I set her up in a huge plastic bin. She has a hidey hut, and a hay manger, and a salt lick, and wooden chew sticks. I feed her one fruit and one vegetable twice a day. So far I have discovered that she doesn't like oranges. She loves celery tops and carrots and grapes and french bread. She has rewarded me today with recognition. I had my Mom hold her while I scooped the corners of her bin and cleaned up a little and prepared her breakfast. Then I went in and sat across from my Mom and started talking, and with the sound of my voice Pumpkin perked up and stuck her little nose in the air and was trying to sniff me out. Every time I said something she turned her head in my direction and grunt/squeeled. I have only had her for five days, and she is still getting used to it here, but at least she doesn't try to run every time I go to pick her up now." It brings tears to my eyes......they are both so sweet, I could just eat them up. But I won't, Guinea pigs have too much dark meat on them. {Thank Gawd Pamelot knows I'm kidding! LOL) The-proud-pig-gawdmother Marti

Friday, January 21, 2005


Husband's car overheated, leading to a comedy of mechanical errors, (because I just gotta laugh or I'll lose my mind!) How many people have a car overheat in JANUARY? First, a heater hose split. Car overheated. He pulled off the freeway, and being the resourceful fellow he is, he stuffed a SOCKET into the hose and wrapped it with electrical tape, to get him to safety. Hose was replaced. Next day, water pump blew up. Took that in for repairs. Turns out hose split/water pump problems were due to blown head gasket. So his car was in the shop all that week. Repairs were $1,500. The fifteen-hundred-dollar-hosed Marti

Friday, January 07, 2005


I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium. I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain. I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage. I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has been watching The X-Files. I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks. I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up. We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep. I will try to remember that screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself. I will try to remember that I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again. I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves. I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom. I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur. I will try to remember that if I bite the cactus, it will bite back. I will try to remember that when it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door. I will try to remember that the dog can see me coming when I stalk him. I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them. I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups. I will try to remember that when my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock. I will try to remember that computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail. I will try to remember that I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

My Big Baby

Today is Eldest Son's birthday. Love you, sweetie. How did he grow up so fast? How did he get so old when I still feel so young? The-doesn't-understand-this-whole-space-time-continuum-thingy Marti

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Begin the Blog-uine

I like the idea of being able to share my thoughts with y'all whoever, wherever, you may be. Maybe make you smile, give you a little hope that if a woman who has been through the kind of shit I have been through, (hope that saying "shit" doesn't get my ass kicked off of here - also hope saying "ass" doesn't LOL) can still laugh, then maybe you can laugh at the absurdity of it all, as well. The-new-to-blogging-but-not-to-life Marti