Saturday, January 14, 2006

Fugly Feet

I have ugly feet. Really ugly. Scare small children ugly. Cause blindness in extreme cases ugly. Fugly Feet. fugly: ADJECTIVE: Inflected forms: fug·li·er, fug·li·est Vulgar Slang - Very ugly. ETYMOLOGY: Shortening of f*cking ugly. My second toes are longer than my big toes. My little toes are misshapen triangles, having spent their entire lives trying to hide under the toe they are next to. Both feet have multiple scars. Some are from breaking both ankles twice. The first time, when I was six, I broke them at the same time. Boy, wasn’t THAT a fun summer - LOL Third and fourth times around were spaced apart, but each break required surgical repair, resulting in several metal objects being implanted to stabilize the multiple fractures. This left each ankle with three scars, on the front and both sides, and made getting through airport security as much fun as having a passport that says my name is Marti al-Zawahri - LOL Some are from going barefoot every summer since I was born. By mid-July, I can walk over gravel and hot asphalt. If only there was big money in such a talent - LOL I’ve dropped things on them. Lots of things. Heavy things. Sharp things. Then there are the things that go bum in the night. That’s always me...smashing into a chair leg, a door I thought was open, or an errant vampire (Vampires hate being startled by having a klutz bump into them in the middle of the night LOL) So? So yesterday was Friday the 13th. Despite the wretched luck I’ve had all my life, I am not an extremely superstitious person. Oh sure, I would exercise the normal amount of caution - not opening an umbrella under mirrored horseshoes, but nothing truly foolish LOL Until I put on my shoes. Why, oh why (she cried out in hind-sighted anguish) didn’t I shake them? I almost ALWAYS shake my shoes out before putting them on, after hearing Husband’s tale of his time in the tropics, when he slipped his foot into a shoe that was occupied by a scorpion. But alas, yesterday, I did not. And inside the shoe was a spider. And not the itsy-bitsy spider that climbs up the waterspout, but a big, mean pissed-off brown recluse, which attacked my big toe, upon its intrusion into Spidey’s hideout. I felt the sting of the bite and yanked the shoe off, as a large red welt instantly appeared atop my toe. I shook out the shoe, and Spidey went a-runnin’. Briefly. Then said shoe met Spidey, rather forcefully, and Spidey went to that great web in the sky. Because we live in the woods, I’ve been bitten by many a brown recluse, and only required medical attention the first dozen times or so, until I built up sufficient immunity. By now, I imagine I am toxic to them LOL And so, I spent the rest of the day shoeless and swollen. There is great improvement today, and the welt has reduced to a small, blistery bump. Like all brown recluse bites, it will leave a sunken divot in the skin. One more bit-o-ugly. LOL The moral of this story is: It may be fun to shake your booty, but if you don’t want swollen toes, shake your shoes.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

ROFL! You crack me up. Can you imagine what the spider thought before you came along and scared the $#%* out of it and it started to run away? "Wow, I've got the best hide-and-go-seek hiding spot. Fred will NEVER find me here!"


1/14/2006 01:04:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh, my. Glad that you are able to laugh about it!

1/14/2006 02:23:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hahahahha!!! i am usually lucky on Friday the 13th!!

1/14/2006 05:26:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was bitten by a spider back in July. It wasn't a brown recluse or black widow, but ithurt like the dickens. And it was the most grotesque thing I've seen. I can't imagine being bitten that many times.

1/14/2006 05:54:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ouch, I thought you were going to say scorpion. Either one scares me. My goodness you've been rough on your poor wittle tootsies!

1/14/2006 07:27:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I don't like my feet either. My big toe is BIG and my second toe is also long and spindly. It's longer than all my other toes and it curves to the left on my left foot and to the right on my right foot. The nails on both my pinky toes are messed up too.

1/14/2006 09:13:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL. Great stuff -- PS the long second toe is a sign of high intelligence. I guess people with feet like that are smart enough to NOT go out in public w/o shoes. :)Kidding... kidding...

1/15/2006 08:43:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ewwww, I live in fear of those darned things even though I have never been actually bitten. Hope it heals quickly.

1/15/2006 08:53:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Owowwowwww ow OW! I've got the creeps now! Your poor feet. I'm not afraid of spiders, but I sure as hell kill them and don't want them biting me.

Poor feet!

1/15/2006 01:37:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

YIKES! You are going to have me creeped out for weeks, Marti! Hope your piggies are back to normal soon, hon. Stupid spider!

1/15/2006 10:12:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ouch, ouch, ouch! My husband was bitten by one of those a few years ago, it left the nastiest, ugliest scar on the back of his calf!!!

We have so much in common, I broke my ankle and have a plate and screws in it. My second toe is longer than my big toe, and I break my little toes at least once every summer.

1/15/2006 11:56:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good grief woman! You need to like bathe in holy water, and wear garlic, and wrap your entire self in bubble wrap! ;)

Glad you are ok though! Damn spider!

1/16/2006 04:19:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was scary. The spider, not the feet.

glad you're ok

1/17/2006 06:53:00 AM  
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