Monday, December 05, 2005


Barbie c/o Mattel, Inc. El Segundo, CA 90245 Santa Claus North Pole, North Pole Dear Santa: Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out for decades, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, getting my hair ripped out by little brothers, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list: 1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a soft oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt? 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite! 3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with his little molded bits anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct. 4. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done. 5. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery. 6. A new career. Pet doctor and schoolteacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec! 7. A new persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; or "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs. 8. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl. 9. Mattel stock options. It's been more than 40 years - I think I deserve it. 10. Ditch the little plastic heels. I want a pair of Manolo’s, big boy. Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple. Yours truly, Barbie


Anonymous Anonymous said...

LMAO...OMG that is AWESOME! I laughed outloud when I read it. Thanks for sharing.

12/05/2005 04:17:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ROFL! You go Barbie!

12/06/2005 07:11:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

L O V E D IT! lol


12/06/2005 09:50:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious post! Hopefully Santa's elves will comply with Barbie's wishes.

12/06/2005 11:09:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, that was just TOO FUNNY!! Poor Barbie!

12/07/2005 03:40:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL! It was only a matter of time. Great post! :)

12/07/2005 05:14:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for the laugh!!!
I've always known Babs had a thing for G-I Joe. He's such a hunk.

12/09/2005 12:45:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That is hilarious! Although, I have a feeling that Santa's response might be:

Dear Barbie,
Hit the road babe. Have you met the Bratz? Those hoes don't whine AND they put out. You and GI Joe have a good time. Post Traumatic Stress has left him with his own "issues." If you know what I mean.

Best Wishes,

12/12/2005 11:10:00 PM  

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