Friday, July 29, 2005

DMV or Diarrheal Mahatma Voodoo

Only in America could a severely flatulent white woman, a nice gentleman from India, and his Haitian wife meet in the line at a Department of Motor Vehicles office, and bond. Still suffering The War of the Bowels, I was feelin' mighty poorly, and the last thing I EVER want to do, (much less when I am suffering from diarrhea) is go to the DMV. But the new Neon had to have the taxes paid and the license purchased, because Husband must commute from the farm through a nearby small town, and the fine upstanding officers who may read this so I am not about to say anything bad about them, do tend to look for those minor infractions like one mile over the speed limit, or two minutes past the expiration of your tags. So, while Husband was sympathetic to my plight, he requested that if it were humanly possible, he wanted me to go take care of the nasty business. And nasty it was. I packed up my troubles (and Kaopectate) in my ol' kit bag (along with all of the necessary paperwork) and biled, biled, biled. The line snaked around in a zigzag pattern, disguising how long it really was. Sneaky bastards. An exotic couple were last in line when I entered the building, and were muttering to one another in accented English, about the pitiful lack of available office workers and the wife's desire to put a hex on the clerks who disappeared through a side door never to be seen again. I stepped into the space behind them and promptly passed gas. They turned, I blushed, and apologized. It was the first of many such moments. My gut ached and cramped. The line never seemed to move forward, but other weary applicants lengthened the queue. The couple in front of me turned again when an involuntary moan escaped my lips. "You sound berry bad," the kindly gentleman from India said. I nodded. Motioning to the slow-moving line and group of folks who continued to pour into the building, he asked, "is it always this crowded?" You know you're in a bad situation when a Calcutta native thinks the place is crowded. I nodded again, afraid to open my mouth, fearing a sulfurous belch might escape and combust, the room was so hot. An old man several spaces ahead of us was pretty clever. He had retrieved a chair from the hallway, and sat in it in line. Every so often, he would abruptly stand up and spout random epitaphs to no one in particular. After his pronouncement, he would sit back down, and doze off for a while. I conversed with the couple, who explained they had met in a community college class. They were very nice, and held my spot for me when I felt something heavier than gas about to escape, and dashed to the toilet. When the old man took his turn with the clerk, the nice gentleman from India retrieved his chair for me. Finally, I was able to shuffle off to beefalo. That is not a typo, it is a product sold at my next stop, the nearby meat store. It a cross between beef cattle and buffalo, high in protein, low in fat, and amusing to imagine being conceived. I drive past the buffalo ranch if I take the gravel road into town, and they are magnificent beasts to behold, but for some reason, picturing one of them fornicating with Elsie the cow, just makes me giggle. I feel a little better today, and plan to sit back and chill, 'cause it's my birthday! Best wishes to all who read!

13 Comments:

Blogger CPT PYRO said...

Thanks for stopping by.

I commend you on your parenting. I am an avid gamer and have been since I was 5 years old. My parents never really had to "screen" my games becuase there wasn't really a level of violence like todays standard. I am not a big fan of censorship and I feel it is truly up to the parents to control what their kids are involved with. I like how you openly observe and take the time to discuss these issues with your kids.

7/29/2005 10:50:00 AM  
Blogger David said...

May I be the first to wish you a happy Birthday!

Sorry to hear about your health problems. I hope you are feeling better.

My latest DMV experience ocurred a few weeks ago when I had my license plate stolen. The DMV office was a new one at a strip mall. I went in, they asked what kind of transaction I need to make and gave me a number. Instead of a line, they had a lobby (with chairs) in which you could sit and wait for your number to be called. They had TV's mounted on the walls, much like an airport terminal that you could watch to pass the time.

I discovered that based upon the type of transaction you needed (simple renewal, new vehicle purchase, title transfer, etc) you were given a different series of numbers, so that there were actually 3 or 4 different queues going on at the same time. The y had a special queue just for the handicapped, elderly, and those with special needs. Those people went right to the top of the list. There were about a dozen clerks on duty, and even though there were hundreds of people there, it moved along pretty well.

It still took about 45 minutes for my turn to come up, but compared to my previous experiences at the DMV, this was the most pleasant one I recall.

It took about an hour overall, but I got my new replacement license plates, and was on my way.

Somebody really did something right at the DMV for once!

7/29/2005 11:03:00 AM  
Blogger buffi said...

I'm so sorry that you are still feeling crappy (hee!). Especially on your birthday. At least your sense of humor is still healthy. You always manage to make me laugh!

Happy Birthday Ms Marti! Hope it gets better.

7/29/2005 02:02:00 PM  
Blogger GrandPooOfAwesome said...

It's the next Erma Bombeck! You're blog is quite humorous. I enjoyed your post.

7/29/2005 03:27:00 PM  
Blogger buffi said...

Whoa! New template! Accidently stopped back by. Glad I did. Verrry nice! Happy Birthday again!!

7/29/2005 08:56:00 PM  
Blogger David said...

Hey, cool new template! Very nice!

7/29/2005 10:46:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday, sweetie! I love what you've done with the place! It is very nice.

You know, if you do have giardia, I was under the impression that it is a hardy little bugger and you need persciption bug killer drugs from the Doc to get rid of it. That is what I had to do when PG with Cody. And he gave drugs to the rest of the family too since it is so contagious (sp).

Hope you are feeling better soon.

Kel

7/30/2005 12:42:00 AM  
Blogger Wil said...

Happy birthday, oh brave one. For verily, it is written, that only the brave would attempt the DMV after a GIA!

7/30/2005 11:25:00 AM  
Blogger dddragon said...

Well, happy birthday to you! Mine will be in exactly one month.

I used to work with a guy who farted frequently, but we didn't know it, cause they weren't smelly (well, we had chemicals around that probably masked it). But there were these squeaky noises. He'd turn around and say, "pesky frogs!" Finally I asked what the heck was with that squeaky noise. He finally admitted that it 'twere he flatuating. So, long story longer, I told this to my hubby and thus was born my family's subsituting the word fart for frog. Oh, what we did with it!!

"Boy, there's alot of dead frogs in this room!"

"I stepped on a big, juicy frog just now."

"Who left the frog in the bathroom?!"

Since my girls were at JUST the right age to REALLY enjoy bodily function humor, it sure saved me that the public didn't know what our frogs were.

Oh, why "pesky frogs"? John used to work for the Dept of Enviroment and apparently there are some frogs that make a popping sound when stepped on. Don't ask.

And thanks for visiting!

7/30/2005 01:26:00 PM  
Blogger jessica said...

thanks for all your awesome comments! your blog is awesome!

8/01/2005 01:41:00 PM  
Blogger Laina said...

YUCK. Nothing worse than having to leave the house when sick...don't I remember you spending part of this sickness in the Wal-mart waiting for tires?! My hubby would be sleeping on the couch if I had to run all those errands sick. I don't move (except to run to the toilet) if I feel that bad.

8/02/2005 10:30:00 AM  
Blogger zazzafooky said...

You. Are. HYSTERICAL!!!!!!! :-)

8/03/2005 12:12:00 AM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

Wishing you a superb birthday!! Hope it was good.
The DMV is bad enough, but having stomach flu and exploding bowels AT the DMV is just, plain hitonious!
(Hitonious is a made up word of mine meaning worse that hideous or horrendous.)
Funny post!

Courtney of Courtney's Blog is my daughter.
Glad I found your blog.

8/03/2005 07:44:00 PM  

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