Monday, October 31, 2005

Happy Halloween!

Thanks to everyone who left great stories or links in the comments section! I’ve had a few e-mail replies to my request for Halloween stories: Sandy sent this photo: It's a yard here in St. Louis and I think that what they did was so cute. I call it Ghost Dancers or Seven Sheets to the Wind. (I love her sense of humor!)

***** Mary Ann sent this photo:

LOL! Thanks to both friends! ***** I left a comment at Shel Isreal’s blog, "Naked Conversations" and he was kind enough to respond personally, despite his busy schedule, co-writing with Robert Scoble of Microsoft. I asked him if he had a story he could share and he replied: I am sorry, but I really am against book-related deadlines and don’t have time to scan my childhood for a juicy anecdote. The quickest that comes to mind is when I wound up in the hospital after running headlong (or neck-long) into a clothesline that served as a karate chop to my throat. Why? Because someone was chasing me after I waxed his window for refusing to give me any treats. -Shel I wrote back and thanked him, and he replied: When I think of clotheslines, I get all choked up. -Shel LOL! Thanks Shel! ****************** A couple of jokes: A little boy is dressed as a pirate captain for Halloween. He knocks on the door of a house and a lady answers. She says "Well, well little boy, what are you supposed to be?" He says "I am a pirate captain". She says "Well--where are your buccaneers?" He says "Right here under my buckin' hat." ***** As we all prepare for the upcoming Halloween night, please take a few minutes to read some simple rules to help keep everyone safe. 1. - Don't assume the telephone calls are coming from another house. 2. - When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead. 3. - Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. 4. - Don't go into the basement to check the power when the lights go out! 5. - If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice. 6. - When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER split up and go it alone. 7. - Don't have sex. Especially if you've noticed a few of your friends are missing! 8. - As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open a portal to Hell. 9. - Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well. 10. - If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, don't stand there sighing with relief, GET THE HELL OUT! 11. - If appliances start operating by themselves, don't check for short circuits; JUST GET OUT! 12. - Do not take ANYTHING from the dead. 13. - If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around. 14. - Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing. 15. - If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely ambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you. 16. - If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately. 17. - Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine. 18. - If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had at least half of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and will most likely be eaten. 19. - Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions. 20. - If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house. ***** Technorati tags: , , , , .

Friday, October 28, 2005

Halloween Memories the corners of my mind (which means they are full of cobwebs and old books LOL) What is the first Halloween you can remember? The most extraordinary? Please share your stories! You can leave them here in the comments, or post them on your own blog and send me a link. If you don’t have a blog, e-mail your story to me and I will add it here. The earliest Halloween that I can recall was age 3 - I was a ghost. We were at my grandmother’s house. She took a white pillowcase and slipped it over me, and marked where my eyeballs and shoulders were, then pulled it off and cut little circles out for me to see through, and holes for me to poke my arms through. I thought I was da bomb - LOL We walked up her street to a few houses, me carrying my costume’s pillowcase mate to collect treats in. I harbored visions of filling it up, as tall as myself, and having enough sweets to gorge on forever. This was in the glory days of Halloween, before poison and razor blade scares, when little old ladies spent days preparing homemade candy, cookies and popcorn balls. Oh the joy of a homemade popcorn ball! The really cool old ladies colored the caramel-marshmallow gooiness that held the glob together with gallons of food dye, so that when I returned home and ate it, getting it all over my hands and face, I became the color of the popcorn ball. I was one of hundreds of happy children who were purple until Thanksgiving. The most extraordinary? Well certainly having Bradley the Brat pee on my costume ranks right up there, but for happy memories I’d have to say about ten years ago. All three kids were still living at home, and I was helping at the PTA Carnival. I sewed pirate costumes for the entire family (such a domestic diva LOL) from yards and yards of red and white striped fabric. Daughter and I wore skirts with jagged zig-zag bottoms, white puffy blouses, red kerchiefs around our necks and lots of gaudy jewelry. All of the males wore red bandanas, white puffy shirts, and pants and vests made from the same material, also cut with zig-zig bottoms. I wore an exotic feathered half-mask and black fishnet stocking (which Papa Pirate really liked, but that’s a whole ‘nuther story LOL) We went to the high school gymnasium and I ran the three-card monty game. Just kidding...I ran several different innocent little carnival games, like the cakewalk, and pick-a-rubber-ducky, win-a-prize. Eldest Son won the coolest prize, (not at my booth) - a Sprite soda pop bottle (that I still have) which had the neck heated and stretched.

There was a moonwalk, 25 cent hot dogs, lots of adults and kids in costumes, and I could abuse my power as a parent volunteer, and give my children tickets to anything they wanted to do - LOL It was one of the best nights of my life (and Papa Pirate’s LOL) So that’s mine. Please! Share your stories!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005


A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company and another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir, Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co

Monday, October 24, 2005

Halloween Mistakes

Only one week left! You may be getting desperate for Halloween ideas, but please avoid these options: (the first one is from me playing with PhotoShop, the rest are from Google) The Invisible Pedestrian (original concept courtesy of Dan Akroyd, on an old SNL skit) Editing note: I have removed "The Littlest Hooker" after some complaints and concerns that it promoted pedophilia. This was not my intent. It was just a joke. Clowning Around If you are an adult, (this page is FOR adults only) please use caution to avoid these tragic costuming errors. (tee-hee!)

Saturday, October 22, 2005


{{Hat tip to Jodi, one of my E-Bay customers, for sending this to me}} Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them very uncomfortable. They decided to stop in at Patty McGuire’s Pub for a cold soft drink. Patty had recently added some special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All five Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley entered the bar through the front door with Father McGinty. They were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw. SCROLL DOWN..........

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

My Childhood Horror

Bradley was a brat. When I was 8 years old, his sister Robin was my best friend. We walked to school together, and since Bradley was only a year younger, he walked with us, tormenting us every step of the way. He ran in circles around us. He dangled any grubby thing he could pick up off the street in front of us (and that child would pick up ANYTHING.) He made up idiotic little singsong rhymes to annoy us. He was the first (sadly of many) to call me "Farty Marti," despite my lack of excess gas at that tender age. He was a nuisance extraordinaire. Next door to Robin and Bradley the Brat (which even I admit doesn’t have the ring of Farty Marti) was a vacant house. It had been vacant as long as anyone could remember. The weeds grew high and some of the windows were broken. Naturally, we assumed it was haunted. Stories grew of eerie lights and strange noises. It scared the bejesus out of me. No one dared go trick or treat there, as it would certainly lead to some gruesome demise. A few days before Halloween, I ran over to Robin's house excitedly to show her my new gypsy costume. Knocking on her front door, I allowed myself one quick, nervous glance at the haunted house. I saw. . .something. . . move inside, and became paralyzed with fear. I wanted to run, but my brain was no longer connecting with my legs, and I experienced the horror of being unable to move. Bradley answered the door as I stood there in shock, trying to force my muscles to function. I remained immobilized. Bradley glared at me and snarled, "Whaddaya want?" I didn't answer. I couldn't, so intense was the grip of paralysis. Never one to miss an opportunity to terrorize, Bradley unzipped his shorts and peed on me. That's right, he let loose with a stream of urine that saturated my beautiful new costume. Nothing will bring you out of fear paralysis like being peed on. I let out a blood-curdling scream. Bradley's mother appeared just as Bradley was laughing hideously, zipping his pants up. She took in the scene and grabbed Bradley by his ear, dragging him inside. I started running home, crying, but could hear the slap of a paddle on Bradley's behind, and paused. I stopped sniffling and turned around, and felt the sweet rush of retribution wash over me as I heard him crying louder with each "thwack!" Then, I kid you not, I heard a faint chuckle come from the haunted house. I ran home faster than I'd ever run in my life, and to this day, I think that something in that house was amused by it all.

Monday, October 17, 2005


It was Halloween time and an athletic guy was invited to a costume party. He goes to a costume specialty shop, and asks a young salesgirl; "I am going to be Adam, nude with only a fig leaf to cover down below. Can you help?" The salesgirl shows him a fig leaf for the occasion. He winks at the girl and says, "Not big enough for what I have, ma'am!" She brings out a bigger one. He keeps shaking his head negatively and says, "Well, not big enough for what God has given me. You understand?" She brings out a huge fig leaf; the largest possible made for the purpose. He throws his hands on the counter, and says, "Still not big enough. I have a reputation at stake here. You know what I mean?" Impressed, the salesgirl says , "Then, Mr. Hercules, why don't you just attach the leaf, throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

Friday, October 14, 2005

Odd Fog

I love autumn. I love the cooler weather. I love the leaves changing color. I love October and Halloween (like duh, I'm a pumpkin farmer LOL) I love how early in the morning there is a low fog hanging close to the ground, and steamy haze rising from all of the ponds. When I took Daughter to school this morning, it was beautiful beyond compare. The entire eastern sky was a rosy glow. Light shafts from the rising sun were peeking between the branches. Driving past fields and meadows bathed in a golden glow, we saw cows and horses standing knee-deep in the slowly undulating mist, lending them a mystical quality. After dropping her off, I was driving home at a leisurely pace, a goofy smile plastered on my face because it was all so damn pretty, and in the distance, through the vapor, I saw a figure walking on the side of the road. I frowned. There was something. . .odd. As I approached the figure I realized what was odd about the scene. It was a clown. A clown in full regalia - rainbow-colored fuzzy wig, red nose, face makeup and polka-dot baggy jumpsuit. Not sure about the big shoes, the clown's feet were obscured by the fog. Now here's a little secret. . .I don't like clowns. They creep me out. Especially a clown wandering down a deserted country road in the fog. There are few pedestrians out here, and this is the first clown I have ever seen strolling alongside the cow pastures. It struck me as a tad odd. I didn't see a car pulled off the side of the road, so thinking that the clown was walking for gas or assistance seemed unlikely. Curiosity drove me to turn around and go back. No clown. Nothing but the cows, the horses and the fog. I turned back around and headed slowly home, occasionally glancing in the rearview mirror. . . just in case. It was just so bizarre I had to share - LOL!

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


I have been "tagged", and am henceforth bound by the Computer-users Loosely Interpreted Questionable Ethics (Clique) Code to follow suit and "play along". ~snicker~ The instructions were given to me by my blog-buddy and quite amusing fellow, The Village Idiot, who scribes his words of wisdom over at Kicked Puppies. Desperate for love and attention, I follow the Code of the Clique - here's what I have to do: THE RULES 1. Go into your archive. 2. Find your 23rd post. 3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to). 4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions. 5. Tag five other people to do the same. My 23rd post was "Leaning Tower of Puzza" posted August 9, 2005. (Which shows what a lazy blogger I am - LOL) The fifth sentence is: When the pumpkin patch is open, I have a series of small billboards, placed every fifty feet or so along the road in front of the farm, in the manner of the old Burma Shave shaving cream signage. I am tagging (with apologies and gratitude - LOL) * A California Girl In Kansas * Flying Piggies * DDDragon * Hillbilly Princess * Sugar Mommy Have fun kids! No tag-backs allowed LOL

Friday, October 07, 2005

Homecoming - and Going

Another example of Just Say No to Nagging. High School Homecoming was approaching. I asked Darling Daughter if she was planning on attending any of the events. This was met with the, "are you insane?" look. She informed me that she is not into: *Sports *Pep *Parades *Spirit *Preppies OR *Dances Of course I didn't listen. I nagged. I cajoled. I bribed. Bribery worked. So off we went to find a dress, a beautiful dress, fit for a princess. With dress and all accoutrements in hand, I was pleased (and out a trip to the anime' store LOL) Saturday morning I forced, err...suggested the kids accompany me, to town to watch the parade. I love a parade. Grudgingly, the joined me. Of course Middle Son HAD to wear the whole Gothy regalia. This is a small town, and he was the Lone Goth. We took a couple of lawn chairs, and Daughter and I planted ourselves along the side of the road, while he stood, looking..."brooding" LOL He is a 2004 graduate, so there were a lot of students who still know him. As the floats went by, I saw students smiling and waving to the crowd, then they would focus on His Darkness, and frown, as they tried to rectify the face they remembered with this Matrix-coat-wearing fellow with blue-black hair. I could tell he was enjoying it, and struggling to maintain his somber, pensive demeanor. It sure made me smile. Later that evening, it was time for the dance, and Daughter looked so lovely. (Insert happy mommy sigh.) Husband drove her down, and returned with a trying-to-hide-it soft look on his face, from seeing his baby girl in formal attire. Within the hour, the phone rang, and she wanted to come home. Went down to pick her up from the very decorated, very loud gymnasium. Inside were the very dressed up students and one very unhappy Daughter. The chaperones released her to me, and when we got back to the car (where we could actually hear one another) she said that none of her friends were there and the music was giving her a headache. She looked miserable. (Insert sad mommy sigh.) Oh well. Will I learn my lesson from this? Maybe..........

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Have you ever met an internet pal in person?

I have an internet friend whom I've know for about five years now. We have written e-mails, exchanged photos and cried on one another's shoulders when we needed someone to vent to. She was going to be passing through town on a bus trip (she is deathly afraid to fly), and would have a layover in Kansas City, about 25 miles from me. She hoped I would be able to come down and keep her company. I was thrilled at the prospect of finally meeting her in person! The layover was scheduled to occur at 11:30 PM. Middle Son and I drove down to the scary part of town and met her. A few weeks ago, (as if my life didn't have quite ENOUGH grief in it LOL) he decided to "go goth" (Anyone seeing the influence of an eyebrow-pierced young woman here?) He went shopping and bought several black t-shirts adorned with graphics of skulls, these black pants covered with silver studs zippers and chains and a huge black trenchcoat a la Matrix. Then he dyed his hair blue/black. His complexion is so fair he looks like a vampire LOL Naturally he chose to wear it all to the bus station. I figured WTF; he'll frighten the hobos LOL We left here about 10:30 PM, and he BEGGED to stop at his McDonald's on the way to prance ~snort~ Following the catwalk ("I'm too gothy for my shirt, too gothy for my shirt, so gothy it hurts") we foraged on, navigating the maze of orange barrels and flashing detour signs while sharing the road with methamphetamined truckers, who were startled by the bright flashing lights on one side and the spectre of doom on the other. Exiting the freeway into downtown, I was astounded to learn that the bus station is no longer at the bus station LOL Since I was a little girl there has been a large building just across from the Federal Building, which housed the bus terminal. I thought it was our destination. It was dark. We drove slowly past it, staring at the giant "For Lease" sign plastered to its hulking, vacant side. I told Middle Son to pull the folded paper from my purse as I had (thank gawd) printed out all of the information regarding friend's stop, and copied and pasted (but not read) the address and phone number of the bus station. He did not immediately respond, as he was in the throes of fascination and fear, staring out the window at the prostitutes and homeless people. The lad has never been downtown near midnight. We checked the address and the station is now housed in a much smaller building, just down from City Union Mission, about three blocks from where we were. It has a very small parking lot, and parking on the street seemed less than wise, so we circled the block (actually several blocks due to one-way streets) a couple of times. Finally, someone pulled out and we took their spot. I told Middle Son to lock the door LOL We were still about twenty minutes ahead of the scheduled arrival time, so we took a seat on the wire mesh settee (shades of the diarrhea flat tire at Walmart). There were three other Caucasians in the building, which was pretty crowded, and filled with colorful languages in many tongues. Middle Son entertained himself reading one of the paperbacks I brought for my friend, and I wish I'd gotten a picture of Vampire Boy in his Matrix trenchcoat, surrounded by darker skinned folks as he read a Harlequin LOL I peered out the glass as each new bus arrived, then surveyed the departing passengers. Pretty soon, there she was, also scanning the crowd. We spotted one another and she pointed at me. I shook my head "yes" and she approached, and said, "That blonde ponytail! I knew that had to be you!" LOL! We hugged and gabbed for about half an hour. She is very soft-spoken in person, and I had a hard time hearing her over the babble. I introduced her to Middle Son, and attempted to explain his outfit. She pshawed me, gave him a big hug, and said, "You've been to Hot Topic haven't you?" Middle Son's jaw dropped that this charming lady from Vermont was aware of the retailer from whom he had purchased his get-up LOL She smiled and said that her daughter likes to shop there. She said her trip hadn't been too bad thus far. Said she was kind of tired and to make excuses for her hair when we took pictures LOL Before we knew it, the announcer was calling out her departure. We hugged one last time and she re-boarded. Middle Son and I drove back home, as he dozed lightly. I smiled to myself, pleased to have met my long-time cyber-friend, and looking at the boy/man who will always be my baby.